A Special Bond
What does it mean to be a mother?
Sitting on my back porch on mother’s day I began to ponder what it means to be a mother. I thought about my life and my relationship with my own mom. I considered the journey I have had with my daughter and the energy and love that it has taken, and continues to take, to build and deepen our bond. I reflected on my need, and no longer need to be mothered, and considered it in context to my daughter’s needs in the years to come.
In this time of reflection, I recognized that there is going to come a time in which my daughter will no longer need me to "mother" her. And for this I am thankful! My journey into the role of motherhood swooped in like a stork dropping off a small Babe with no instruction. The bumpy road to developing the skills of mothering have not come quick nor with ease, but have grown with consistent and deliberate focus to the responsibility. I have often felt like I was climbing a staircase, building my repertoire of experiences to parent my daughter in the just right way at the just right time, often falling down a couple of stairs because I’ve slipped on shame and guilt of not doing it properly, in other words, not acting in alignment with my heart.
Guilt and shame of parenting mishaps do not come in parenting handbooks. We’re informed on sleeping and feeding methods; developmental milestones to hit and academic accolades to achieve. We though are not instructed on the holding and guiding of our child’s sensitive heart; a heart that has never been exposed to life’s pain. We’re not provided with a lesson plan on how to pause and parent ourselves before we jump to mothering our 3-year old because he has jumped off of the kitchen table, or mothering our 8-year old after she refuses to eat the soup we just cooked because she asked for it. This part, this moment, is when our skill set is put to the test and we often feel that we faltered from the joy parenting brings.
What does it take in the moment, when parenting is of utmost importance, for our child to really hear what we have to say? To move them in such a way that they listen with deep respect and love for the words that roll off of our tongue so that our connection grows and the bond between strengthens, and the need for parenting grows less and less?
Connection, building a deep and respectful bond to them, in all of the other moments that parenting is not required is what it takes to build their trust in you and respect for what guidance you’re giving them. The freedom of those times when we’re not called into the role of mothering or fathering is the joy of parenthood. It is in these moments of freedom that we cultivate an everlasting relationship that moves beyond the years of when parenting is required, and fulfills our longing as parents to experience the incredible love of parenthood. A love that empowers us to see, hear, and know a soul in a way in which we will know no other. It is also through this ever-growing bond that we are able to speak to our child in a way that they really hear our words and understand our intent.
You see, parenting comes during the times that our child needs guidance to stay safe, be respectful, be responsible, and stay in alignment with the truth of their heart’s innate wisdom. This part of parenting is incredibly difficult, yet absolutely essential. In all of the other moments though, it is our responsibility to build and nurture a bond through really getting to know our child for who they are, to engage with them in what they love, and to learn about all of the unique gifts they have to share. To mindfully, and with clear intention, nurture and build a bond by spending quality time just being with them; being fully present and in-tune to their heart’s voice and soul’s creativity.
The importance of doing this now is so that when the time comes when they no longer need us to be their parent they will still look to us to be. To get to the point in the relationship that they will want us around because we got to know them when it truly mattered; we got to know them when their heart was most vulnerable and they learned they could trust us because we respected and built them from the strength of their vulnerability.
This is the moment I consider when I'm parenting. The moment I have the freedom to love as a parent, without the need to have to parent. The moment that my daughter has grown to be an amazing mother herself. This, I believe, is one of the many gifts that parenthood brings. The gift of cultivating deep connection and great love.
~Elizabeth Zoley, OTR/L, CPC, ELI-MP