Mrs. Expectation

I have been contemplating in recent where expectations come from and what they serve in my life. I’ve contemplated this in the context of parenthood as well from the perspective of my relationship with others. 

What I’ve looked to understand is what emotionally triggers me so that I can live my life and parent more consciously. I’ve been contemplating since my last blog my own expectations as a mother as what I’ve been able to witness is that when my expectations are not met I’m more likely to become emotionally triggered and on occasion reactive. It is something that I have experienced since my daughter was young, and with the help of my husband I’ve been able to see that some of my expectations are the cause of my frustrations and anxieties in parenting. I find that it is especially becoming more apparent as my daughter is growing closer to 10. What’s interesting is that this has rarely been the case when it comes to the children and families I work with, which has probed me to consider why. Parents have often said that they consider what I would say or do when faced with difficulty situations, which is funny as I face my own challenges at home.

What I considered yesterday when I was on a hike is that the expectations I hold of my daughter are to prevent her from feeling like a failure thus carrying the burden of shame. I also thought about how my expectations could in fact result in her feeling shame for not fulfilling them. As much as that made sense, it still seemed to not be the full reason for my expectations. So this morning I decided to sit with the thought even further to try to gain greater clarity on the matter.

The first question that I wrote in my journal was:

How are expectations attachments in disguise?

I pressed onward in my journaling to see that my expectations of my daughter are actually reflected of how I want to feel as a mother. The expectations I have had and still have has helped me foster a sense of success based on my daughter’s choices and actions. Some examples of my expectations are: helpfulness; being empathetic to others; trying her best at things; not giving up when things are challenging; seeking learning experiences; to be a good friend. After excavating further through my self inquiry I realized that my expectations have nothing to do with my daughter but rather have to do with the feelings I hold of myself as a parent, in other words my insecurities in my humanness. It helped me start to make sense of why I become triggered when my daughter does not perform in a way that satisfies my emotional needs, which is that it makes me feel in some sense that I am failing her as a parent, or rather failing in general as a parent.

It also made me consider where my expectations have come from. I believe they have come from experiences I have had, personal and societal values, and the external attachments that I carry; attachments being my need to feel a particular way and using the interactions I have with others, or my daughter has with others, to help me to feel good and/or informed about myself as a person. I then considered what attachments honestly serve in me. I considered how attachments help to inform my nervous system that it is safe as if I can control my environment through knowing what to expect I then have more of a guarantee that I will feel the way I want to feel.

What I realized though is that this actually limits the field of possibilities and stops me from empathizing and understanding the full range of my daughter’s feelings and experiences as I am inhibiting myself from being open to trust her to be receptive to the full range of possibilities connected to her as an individual.

I believe as I foster a full sense of I am enough just because I exist, my expectations and needs will in fact fade. This is already the case. I know intellectually but I have not fully integrated with the understanding emotionally that I am enough not because I am a parent, occupational therapist, coach, but just because I am alive. This truth, in some way, was taken from me because of the expectations other’s put on me, which in turn I now put on myself. These expectations and attachments are not present within me as a therapist/coach as I reconciled responsibility 6 or so years ago when I realized that I can only support another to the degree in which they open to the support. Being a parent though is quite different, which is why I am writing this blog.

This is what I am starting to realize through this pressing inquiry. I realize that it is my responsibility as a parent to love, nurture, and educate my daughter through what I model as well as the experiences that we share together. It is my responsibility to hold her accountable to herself and to support her to love herself, in other words to not to abandon herself for anyone or anything. It is my responsibility to not place my expectations on her, but to inquire about her thoughts, feelings, and visions of herself, and what she deems to be her own success.

I am comfortable to sit with her failures, shortcomings, and shame as I know it is apart of life. I will work towards not taking responsibility for the weight of her failure and/or shame knowing that she is on her own journey. I will respect her by not placing my expectations on her, now knowing that they have nothing to do with her, but really to do with me and my own emotional maturation. And when I am triggered, I will stop to evaluate my expectations and ask more probing questions to redesign my inner world consciously instead of being led by outdated patterns of consciousness.

You see, I use to think that expectations existed to ensure my daughter’s well-being, success, and growth, but now I know it has nothing to do with her and more to do with the expectations I put on myself as a parent which then leads to my emotional reactivity.

Having expectations limit each of us as it alters our perception of the experiences we have. It does that as it confines us to see things in a subjective rather than an objective way. Working on identifying our expectations and see them for what they are, past conditioning, will allow for more space to feel safe and be less emotionally reactive to our loved ones. To live less attached means to live more free and love more unconditionally, which will in turn bring a fullness of presence founded by peace felt within our heart.