A Case of the Shoulds
“My child should be able to clean up after himself because he has done it before.”
“My child should be able to get tooth paste on their tooth brush without getting it everywhere, I just know it.”
“My child should be grateful for all that she has, we’ve spoken about gratitude every night.”
“My child should know to stay seated when we eat, I’ve told him a million times.”
Where do the “shoulds" in parenting come from?
When did they start?
And, how did they get there?
Moreover, how do these “shoulds" impact you?
And, how do they impact your child/children?
I was on a coaching call with a parent which gave me insight into the correlation between “my child should be able to…..” and the associated expectation of performance and maturity that is coupled with it. It was interesting to hear this parent’s tone when she spoke of the “shoulds” as there was a bit of disappointment as to what should be and what is. Understandably so.
I decided to ask if she agreed or disagreed that when she said she thinks her child should be able to do something that she has created an expectation of them. She agreed. And then I furthered my inquiry regarding if reactivity and frustration can then result because of these expectations not being met. She agreed again.
This correlation gave me insight into conversations I’ve had with other parents, as well as some of my very own frustrations with my daughter, which makes me believe that every parent has experienced the shoulds at some point or another in their parenting journey.
When we say our child should or should not do something we are creating an expectation of them that results in either their success or failure.
Expectations, I know first hand, can become the root of emotional reactivity as a standard is set for a child and when it is not met the child is to blame; or, is the expectation to blame? This can be extremely frustrating when you see their success some of the time, and then not at other times.
It’s up to a parent to know that life is not linear, it is spiral. Everyone has days that they are motivated and days that they are not. This idea of what your child should be able to do and what they are doing does not mean that they are being defiant or disrespectful, it also doesn’t mean that they are incapable to do the thing that you’re asking, it might just mean they need additional support, coupled with being held accountable through consistent exposure and follow through, to help build the skill that you’re intending.
It is our responsibility as parents to hold our children accountable as we work towards building the skills that we feel they should have in some future version of themselves, but maybe they are not quite there in their current version.
I have observed that holding a child accountable does not fall in the same line as expecting them to do something. Holding them accountable by setting a goal and supporting them to be successful at completing that goal might mean they require 80% support one day, 20% the next, and 50% of the following day. Despite the amount of support they need, holding them accountable means you follow through with whatever it is you’re asking on a consistent basis. Following through with developing the skill while refraining from expectation, except that you will need to support them to some degree until THEY are ready to do it on their own. This then will allow you to be responsive to the situation rather than reactive because you have more realistic expectations which fall on you, not your child.
An accountability mindset in parenting is different from an expectation mindset. Replacing expectation with accountability will support your child to build the skills you desire in your child’s time frame not yours. And, it will support them to feel successful while developing a sense of responsibility and agency.